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MARRIAGE

After the Affair: How do I know my wife/husband is telling the truth?


As the victim of an affair, I was lied to many times, either through outright tall tales, or the withholding of information and carrying out of deceptive actions. For me this was the biggest blow to my self worth. It was one thing to cheat on me, but to lie and sneak around behind my back was another. I suspect that many victims feel the same way. The lies sometimes hurt more than the actual sexual part of the affair. How do we rebuild that trust?
How do I know my wife/husband is telling the truth?
Reasonable question. There is no room for error here. It is impossible to move forward without reestablishing trust. I will outline some hints below.
An Honest spouse acts like this:
Actions speak louder than word is the old saying and it has never been truer. The honest spouse will show sincerity in their attempt to show you that they can be trusted. What do I mean by that you might say? Simply put, they say what they mean and mean what they say:

1. They are on time. Ask your spouse to do what they say they are going to do, no matter how trivial it may seem. If they say they are going to the store and will return home right after, then they should prove their word by doing exactly that - not stopping off the local café for a coffee. If they are supposed to be home at six, they are home at six. If there is a problem they communicate the details of the delay thoroughly and thoughtfully. They understand that they are not trusted right now and they will make every effort to show you that they can be.
2. They never say "Don't you trust me?" because they understand that the answer is NO! They have lost that trust and must earn it back. Trust unlike love is not given freely. Now, many cheaters may at first balk at this, thinking they are somehow being "leashed." But that's one of the repercussions of cheating - you now have to work to regain what has been lost. In this case, it's their spouse's ability to believe they are good for their word.
3. They are sensitive to the trauma they have caused. They freely give up their cell phone, email and social media (Facebook) information without hesitation. Details should be shared in order for this to work, such as people you're working with on projects at work, etc. Are you checking on them? Yes.
4. Outside interest are not important anymore. The Saturday night with the boys that use to be the "holy grail" of events is out the door. The Friday "girls night out" that use to be a way to unwind from the week is silly to them. They are committed to regaining trust and have figured out that outside frivolity is not the way this is established.
Obviously each relationship is different. They all have different twist and turns but if you stick to this one concept "Do they say what they mean and mean what they say?" It will cut your recovery time down dramatically. It took me awhile to figure this one out for myself. Don't let your relationships healing be stalled and establish this ground rule. Knowing that your spouse is on board with this will help ease your mind and unscrew that knot in your belly. Slowly with time trust will become the norm not the exception.